free to be

"God is calling our hearts to remain warm, exposed, and pulsating with new life."

It's been a crazy week. No. It's been a crazy month. Change is everywhere and most days it's all we can do to hang on. Don't get me wrong, change is good and there is much to celebrate but in the midst of it all, I've lost touch with some of the things that matter most. I suppose that might be why I feel so overwhelmed; too much hanging on for dear life. It's time to let go; to breathe. I've been working somewhat frantically trying to control things that at the end of the day, I'm thankful I cannot. It makes me wonder what my world would look like if I really could control it all. I can see it already: my tiny little box, shared with just a few people who won’t shake things up too much. Far too safe and predictable. Bor. Ing. As wild as things are right now, I know God is orchestrating every detail--so I remind myself to take a deep breath, be still and be glad.

I started writing this blog a few days ago and oddly enough, every topic I've encountered in church, small group and bible study since then has been about relationship/community. It's not a new topic; in fact it's one I feel strongly about. However, if there's one thing I know all too well about me, it's that when life gets overwhelming or painful, I retreat. This faulty 'coping mechanism' that I've developed seems to defy everything I value. Nonetheless, while tucked away within our man-made walls I'm blissfully under the illusion that I am capable of filtering out any unwanted demands that could be placed on me. Not only is that an illusion of sorts but I can't figure out why the very notion of such mindless solitude is appealing to me. I don't want to be alone. A battle ensues between my flesh and the Spirit.

Wednesday night, I was exhausted and I longed for the comfort and mindless solitude of my couch. But, since neither Kyle nor I had been to bible study in weeks, we felt we should go. The last part of that statement makes me cringe because if you knew these amazing people that we have the privilege of meeting with, it wouldn't make sense for me to feel this way. Obviously it's not a statement about them; it's a reflection of the condition of my soul. People have needs; people are wild and unpredictable; people require us to be engaged. All of those traits are exhilarating and wonderful unless you're running on empty. Therefore, by default, when life gets crazy or painful, people get filtered out. God gets filtered out. This sinful soul wants to go at it alone.

"There’s no healing when you're hiding." I heard those words in church today and they gave me pause. There's comfort in being 'too busy' for God and for others. Not only does it eliminate potential demands but it allows us to go for days or weeks or months without tapping in to the deepest parts of who we are. The empty parts, the bleeding parts, the sinful parts. So very unhealthy. There have been times when I've laid my broken parts out for people to see. To my surprise, the world didn't stop; they didn't walk away; God didn't strike me down. The 'problem' was, they loved me anyway and they want to walk with me towards healing and freedom. The fear that propels me toward the couch rather than to community group rests in this: what happens after I lay it all out there? What then? That's the scary part, isn't it? Accountability? Follow up? It's not okay to stay broken forever-and most of us are comfortable with our brokeness. Healthy community should always move us towards healing.

I am still confident of this, that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

I dream about heaven a lot-probably more than the average person my age-I suppose it comes with the kind of work that I do. I dream about what freedom we will know; to be in the Holy presence of God!; joy beyond our wildest comprehension; beauty beyond beauty. But, I continually remind myself that God promises us all of those things with each breath He's given us. We have been given life to live in the here and now. God is about the business of restoration. The goodness of the Lord is in the land of the living! He shines brightly in those with whom I lock eyes with. He's in the sunset, the mountains, in every created thing our eyes take in. We all have broken parts. Fellowship is God's gift to us; He calls us to have hearts that are "warm, exposed, and pulsating with new life". May we become catalysts for each other as we lay our hearts open and invite God to move.

So what happened when I got off the couch and went to group Wednesday night? We were met at the door with kind faces and open arms. We were serenaded with a round of happy birthday and enjoyed birthday cake. I laughed real, heartfelt laughter and felt an awakening in my tired spirit. I listened to people's prayer requests-some were courageous enough to put it all out there, we studied scripture, and I lost that self absorbed frame of mind I was basking in pre-group. That night, around our table, I saw the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine why I would have ever picked solitude on the couch over all of that/them. Or Him. And that's the thing about community that I forget when I disconnect. I'm always healthier when I'm engaged-with God and with the people He's put in my life.