“Weepy Monday” 2.12.07
The weekend came and went quickly. Saturday we ran the clinic and we continue to triage about 200 patients a day. Apparently, without our knowledge, the crowd got a bit wild the other day, and the police were called in for crowd control. The result is that the crowds that used to hover near the triage door have now been moved away from us, behind a gate. Time will tell if this is a good solution. It feels wrong to have them out there-away from us-for we came to engage and connect.
Sunday, we went to church. Morgan, Ryan, Ben, Yeong, and I went with Pastor Jack. There were times during the praise and worship when I felt joy to the deepest part of my soul. Freedom; this is what it looks like—this is how it feels. I know that might not be true for everyone but for me, if I could free myself from all of my self imposed rules of conduct regarding worship, this is what it would look like. Some people might say that it's over the top; that it's showy...not me. I know these people dance and sing and celebrate because they are in the throne room--and He is worthy. Showy? Showy is when I close my eyes and lift my hands when my heart is far away and cold. Showy is when my public displays of worship or praise exceed what I do when I'm alone and on my knees.
One woman pulled out a huge drum and the whole room was filled with the most amazing music and dance. I thought of my church back home…they would love this.
Now, for today and the title of this entry. Scott has, in my opinion, appropriately coined the phrase ‘Weepy Monday’ for the Monday that follows the first full week of clinic. He should know—he’s done this a time or two before. From what I can gather, this is the day when even the most stoic of men become, well…weepy. Fatigue settles in, the meds begin to run low, the bodies grow deep. When I penned the title of this entry it was just a name for the day. Now, I’m afraid I have consecrated the day and made it official.
It is, indeed, weepy Monday.
I have not been emotional thus far on this trip. In some ways, that’s bothered me. I expected to be overcome. I’ve held countless babies with their little bodies ravaged with disease and in those moments, with my eyes upon their faces, I find myself so detached. "How can I feel so little?" I wonder as I look at them. Especially, when I’m a girl who normally feels so much? I’ve definitely had my moments…but that’s just it. I’ve had moments. And, few of them, at best. I expected to live in that real, raw place every day. I came with the desire to be broken but in reality I feel...okay.
or maybe that's not an accurate statement.
I don't feel okay. I feel void; which is so unfamiliar-almost unsettling to me.
After Clinic today, we all piled onto the bus and our driver took us on a “scenic drive” towards home. Or so we thought. To our surprise, a group of pastors planned a surprise certificate ceremony for us. There, in a tiny, brightly painted room in the middle of town, we gathered together. As the sun began to set, casting long shadows into the room, we took our turns cheering one another on 'Ethiopian style'. To my left, through the empty hole of a vacant window sill, curious little faces strained for a glimpse into our festivities. The night was full of energy and joy. As the evening drew to a close the pastors said they wished to pray for us—and of course, we desired to do the same for them. And so, we placed our arms around each other. We did not stand side by side, linked in a prayer circle but rather, we morphed into one tangled web of flesh and spirit. Male, female; black, white; sitting standing; singing, silent. A chorus of English and Amharic filled the room. In this tiny, yellow room in the middle of Yabello-under a big African sky and in the presence of an even bigger God, the room filled with music. And power. I felt the hair on the back of my neck respond to the Spirit in the room. The first tear hovered, threatening to slide down my cheek. I dared to open my eyes and then it was hard to close them. Two tribes of people; covered in grace; broken but free. I realized in those moments, that one of the things I am most called to do is to pray for this band of believers in this forgotten (by the world) little town. Our mighty warriors-few in number but great in strength, courage and power. I often say that prayer is necessary-that it’s important-but do I really believe it? Does my life reflect that? Not hardly. After that one lonely tear paved it’s way down my face, the tears came hard and fierce. I am void, no more; but still perplexed for I don't even know why I cry.
A silent video of Morgan with the kiddos:
name="quality" value="high">
A silent video of the crowds waiting to be seen (wish you could hear the audio...funny!)
Published by megan on Tuesday, February 20, 2007
at
7:11 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I look forward to reading more about your experiences, and especially to catching up by phone or in person, hopefully soon. Meanwhile, find rest.
With much love,
Jaclyn
I can't wait to talk to you! You've been on my heart! I got an email from your mom the other day but I tried to publish her comment and I have no idea where it went...so, give her a shout for me and tell her 'kudos' for getting a blog rolling! I'll check it faithfully! (once she re-sends me the site!)
Thank you for your encouragement. After hanging my rear end over a hole in the ground for the past two weeks I'm all too aware of just how human I am. But the Spirit of God in his people can do mighty things-one small soul at a time. :)
Morgan...
I also tried to post your comment but again, technical difficulties. So, I'm copying the email that I get which tells me there's a comment--so this is from you. :)
“The lord will guide you always,- he will satisfy your need in a sun scorched land and will strengthen you” ~ Isaiah 58:11
This verse was appropriately, brought to my attention in a beautiful card given to me by my parents the day I left for Ethiopia. This verse, like many others was a source of strength, through the 17 day trip!
"Weepy Monday" was a difficult day for all. It truly was the day that your feelings caught up to you! The first week, I just did my job. Triage the patients, get them in faster and faster; 1600+ patients registered, must see more!!!' Go start IV's on dying patients. Triage the crowd and tell patient after patient lying in the grass NO! “ I am sorry we can’t see you and won’t see you anytime this week, way too many patients registered. I think back at how Julie said, “ Wow Morgan you really are a tough battle field Nurse.” but, NO, in reality I was just in the zone, in the do, not the feel. Everyday in the ICU horrible awful situations arise and I can’t feel, I have to act. Sometimes I don’t know where all those feelings go. Where do all the horrible things I see get hidden? They go into my heart deep down inside and stay there until days like this. My “Weepy Wednesday”. Megs when I read this I began to cry, I begin to think of all the patients we saw and all the hundreds more that I said NO to. I began to cry, and cry and cry! During our trip in Ethiopia I only showed my true emotions a few times; the day of my devotional and several nights in your room in our Candy Debriefing. But selfishly, my tears where for my self, my feelings, my Past and my “Issues”. Not for the people, not for things I have seen! I am still trying to slowly process everything in my heart, One thing is for sure, this entire situation has shown me true belief and love for God. I saw the true love of Christ in the faces of the patients we treated, in the Borean Great Commission pastors, In the Dancing feet of all the people at church on Sunday. I just pray that some day my faith and belief will be at that level. I am defiantly not there yet, I still have doubts and too many questions in my heart. This experience has helped to open up my heart and really feel, love and believe!
Ameuseugenallo! Megan! Thank you so much for being such a wonderful friend. Thank you for listening to me, for being there! Thank you for being you with no restraint, for being real. Thank you for writing these beautiful blogs that are so real and full emotion. These words have helped me to continue to debrief, and digest and filter through everything that we saw, did and felt!
Morgan-
I wish I could hug you. I just really feel the depth of where you're at. I'm so excited for you because I feel like you're in a good place. A broken place; maybe even a painful place but a good place, nonetheless. God is doing some serious work in your life and heart; it's painful now and the truth is, it might get worse. But let him have your heart...the bleeding, broken parts that need His touch. Remember what I prayed for nearly 2 years ago? Women who love the Lord? I'm going to pray that for you as well. I want you to know...and truly, truly believe how loved and beautiful you are.
loving you, megs
You, Laude and Jennifer have been on my heart SO much this past week since I've been home. We need to get together! Are you free Weds night? Community group? Or this weekend for church...lunch, etc? I'll call you!
we miss you guys so much! megs