free to be

Today I was asked to say a few words to our church body about my experience in Ethiopia. The questions were basic; no big deal; nothing to get stressed about and yet, I had no idea how to answer a simple, simple question:

What did you learn?

Is it possible that I hesitate to answer the question honestly because in doing so I sound like a girl with no roots? Is there some sort of spiritual measuring stick that I am afraid of not measuring up to?

I remember with crystal-like clarity the moment in Ethiopia when I realized to the depth of my soul, 'we are nothing without Him'.
Nothing.
And while that may not be profound to some of you, it was to me.

In theory I should have believed that long before the trip. As profound as the truth of that statement is, it's a basic prinicple of believing in Jesus. However, despite years of calling myself 'a believer', and for as much as Scripture tells me that it's true, I have created a lifestyle for myself based on seeking the approval of others. The 'Megan' in me wants to believe I have things to offer of my own merit. But why? Why do I need to believe I have worth apart from Him? Where does that come from? Pride? Fear? Sin? Why do I strive and struggle to be someone I am not...and that I never will be?
Isn't it enough to know that I am His?

It used to bother me soooo much to hear people talk about how they, as human beings, are nothing apart from God. I didn't understand how that sort of thinking could honor Him...after all, we are His, right? It felt somehow wrong--like they were beating themselves up for something they couldn't help or even worse, that they were being falsely apologetic. I see that differently now. I'm glad we are nothing without Him. The truth of that doesn't make me feel like an unworthy, good for nothing person. On the contrary. It makes for the greatest love story ever.

I'm learning that it's hard to believe a God you don't know. It's hard to stand for anything different than the status quo when the approval of others is how one measures her worth. It's hard to know who you are, and where you're going if 'you' change depending on who you're talking to. Bottom line, I'm learning the only reason I fight to make a name for myself is because somewhere deep inside I'm not believing He is who He says He is...or that I am who He says I am. I am unwilling to trust Him because I don't know Him-I haven't spent my time alone with Him. My unbelief has been great; my heart distrusting; my time with Him undisciplined and wavering. Is it any wonder?

It took a sea of people, a crowd of upturned hands and pleading eyes, sickness beyond my comprehension to be stopped dead in my tracks with the utter realization that it's true. He is all that matters. We are not enough. I needed that illustration to be that huge-that real-for me to get it. If it would have been anything less I would have believed myself and others as capable of meeting those desperate needs. When the truth of something like that gets inside your heart, it changes everything. You can sit in a room with someone in a foreign land, without a common language, with significant cultural barriers and still relate on the most basic level.
You can breathe easier.
We are not enough.
We are children in need of a Savior.

We lack His power, His strength, His love, His grace, His compassion; & His heart by will of His great design. It is good that we are not enough...that's supposed to be freeing!! It is good that it is not about me, or acts of service, or appearances of any sort.

So maybe it's that simple. I'm learning: to be still, to spend time with Him, to believe Him, and that He is not just enough; He is exceedingly more.





(thanks morgan and duane for these photos! )