free to be

This past week I got to co-lead my first youth group experience. Everyone laughs at me when I say this but I'm telling you, I was ner.vous. I had visions of really bored girls, with really blank stares-nodding off and drooling. Me, in the circle, droning on and on...and on. Completely out of touch. Misery.

I'm not sure if you remember what it was like to be 14, but I most certainly do. I remember adult's saying "these are the best years of your life" which, just for the record, is exactly how not to validate your teenager. :) (and no, my parents never said such crazy things) Looking back now, there are certain freedoms of my teenage years that I appreciate but the truth is, those were the hardest years of my life. Someday I hope to articulate that so much better but for now that's all I know to say. I felt like I had two lives and I was good at living them both. I know I was a bit of a paradox to those under my roof and I'm sure I perplexed those who wanted to get inside my head.

As a teen, who didn't read her bible and knew very little in the way of Scripture, youth group was the first place I ever heard that whisper "He loves you". Over the years, it became a constant, recurring theme. There were moments when those words seemed to get inside my heart: camp, Campus Life trips, etc. For a few minutes, a night or a week, I would really, truly believe it. He loves me. How desperately I wanted it to be true. I loved that youth group was fun, safe, and full of activity. I loved that my best friends were there and that we made some significant lifelong memories. It wasn't long before we became student leaders. I was passionate about the people in our group; I talked the talk; and I wanted to believe it but I'm not sure I ever really let those words be true.

So now I'm 28. My moments of experiencing God are becoming a bit more frequent but in so many ways, I still feel like that student leader. The cry of my heart-almost on a daily basis is to spend time with Him but I don't always know how to get there. Hungry-that's how I feel. Sometimes I open up my bible and flip through sections of it-barely letting my eyes focus on the text; not knowing where to start or what to read. Sometimes it's just a bunch of words that feel as if they were written for anyone other than me; a different time; a different place. And then there are my moments. The times when those very same words get inside my heart. The times when every hidden piece of me feels like it's sprinkled through the pages. The times when I know it to the depth of my being...He loves me. I want nothing more then to be captivated by Him. But thus far, in this life, for whatever reason, I am still fueled by moments--this is not the place I abide in on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like I'll always be that girl who never truly gets there--as much as I want it to be true. A good friend asked me last night "do you think it's possible to experience Him like that here (in the flesh)?" And my answer is yes. I do believe that; I can't imagine Him creating us to live any other way.

So Weds. night I was nervous. Not so much because I worry about what our girls think about me but because I remember what a tender age this is for them. I remember that things are not always what they seem and I want them to believe they are loved with a love that redeems. I want more for them then moments. I wonder how God can use someone like me to help young women grow when I still feel so very young and foolish in the ways of Him. I wonder if it's to their detriment that I'm still hungering...still longing...still seeking much in the way that I did over a decade ago?

Well the good news for my first study was that it was a very small, intimate group and it felt a bit like family as we sat and chatted. There was laughter folks and no drooling insofar as I could tell. ;) My pastors daughter, who's 7 (?), sat with us and she participated probably more then anyone else. I'm thinking if things don't work out for me, she'd be a perfect replacement. :)