Last Sunday night, we were asked, "what do you dream of when you dream about the church?"

No more complaining...or comparing battle wounds. No more hands clutched protectively over our hearts. No more lugging baggage around from church to church. What would we look like if we decided to stop taking inventory of our wounds and chose, instead, to be that difference? To love people the way you needed to be loved? To listen to someone's story the way you wish people would have heard your own?

We are people who are gifted differently. We are people who abide in Christ in many different ways--beautiful ways, hand crafted and individualized by the very One who gave us breath. Some of us praise Him with clay or canvas; some people sing and lift their hands; others worship Him in writing and word. Some people feel closest to God under a canopy of trees or on top of a mountain. Other's could spend hours alone-just Him and them; or seek out people/community to talk and pray and dream with.

So what is my dream for church?
I dream of sharing life with every kind of person--motivated not by an agenda, or a need to promote our church, or a desire to "fix" someone but motivated out of love. Love that changed my life and makes me want to seek Him & find Him in all of His people. That means peeling labels off; putting myself in places that I might not ordinarily frequent; rolling up my sleeves and meeting physical needs of people; having friends from all parts of the world. It means taking an initiative to listen to someone's story. It also means not forcing conversations about God. Talking about Him is good, necessary and powerful when it's genuine and authentic--when it truly overflows out of deep love & gratitude for Him. It is not helpful when my purpose for mentioning Him is rooted in a deficiency; a desire to give myself a self righteous pat on the back. People can tell where your heart is when you haven't even looked into their eyes and you're already 'preaching'. It turns people off--it becomes some of their baggage that they lug around.

Is it too much to believe the church can be all of these things? Services that utilize music and messages; art and dance; a quiet room to escape or a room full of people? Services lived out on the streets with people who would never dream of walking into a formal church service? Can I invite the man who lives on the street; or the person who might be in the throws of addictions? My neighbor who's a single mom? Can I love those whose sexual orientation is different than mine? Will they, too, feel that they have a place--not just within the walls of a building, but a true genuine community; will they understand just a fraction of God's deep and amazing love for them by the shred of love in us?

I've struggled at how to write about what's happening on Sunday nights. A conversation is taking form that is bigger than the small handful of us that gather together. But these are the things of which we dream. It's not about us--which might be part of the trouble I have when I sit down to write. I'm afraid I'll pollute the things we've talked about.
But I dream, because I too have a story-and I'd be nothing if not for the mercy and grace of Jesus. We want to truly love people the way He would have us love them. We desire to walk with people who might never darken the doorway of a church because we get it; we relate.


"judas betrayed you for thirty pieces of silver.
forgive me for all the times i've done it
for free.

yet you've chosen to call me friend.
help me to live like it.
i'm both captured and set free by
the mystery of your love." -Story


HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUSBAND!!!!

yep...that's right, today's the big day! Kyle turned the big 3.2. ;) Sadly no wild, crazy birthday adventures (well, maybe just one) but we did enjoy a fabulous dinner with some of our TN family. Kyle could seriously spend every day out on the slopes in the winter so, to celebrate him and all that his 31st year brought with it, he's going to get some skies--finally! Long overdue!! Thanks to all of the family who have contributed to the fund. ;) Chris and Lara, get ready for us...Boulder here we come!

AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY JACLYN AND JOSHUA!!


Jacs, we will always think of you as we celebrate. I can't believe a whole year has already passed! We love you and Joshua...and we love the two of you together. So cheers! Hope it was a great day.

So much other stuff I could write about but for tonight I have to cut it short. More soon.

Blowing Rock, NC


we. are. exhausted.

So here's the new thing (well, new for us anyway) when you get ready to put your home on the market: you have a stager that comes over and does a walk through. Then she gives you homework; which turns into a fabulous reason to purchase the non-essential but asthetically pleasing things you've never allowed yourself to get. More pillows for the bed? a plant here? mmmm, what's that? a new lamp shade? ;) $200.00 dollars later, I confess feeling a bit smug thinking that the house has never looked so well put together. Best part? Not feeling guilty about the receipts-afterall, it was homework. ;)

Kyle and I got our to do list on Tuesday knowing full well that she'd be coming back today. So after 4 full days of procrastination today was our day to start cleaning as the sun came up. We spackled and painted; dusted and mopped; mulched and planted; & boxed up all the bizarre things that closets & drawers accumulate. We worked all freaking day--with the exception of an hour or so when we ran over to the tree streets garage sale to eat a little bbq and see some friends.

Then, this evening she came back. After killing ourselves all day, I thought we were finished rearranging but nooo...we pushed and pulled furniture for another couple hours. And now, I have another list. cha ching...
but our house is rockin if I do say so myself. It hurt me a little to box up all of our "personal" photos and I felt a bit protective as she eyed our orphan photos on the walls but hey, they'll make their debut again soon.
so tell your neighbors and your friends!! This baby hits the market this week! We have no idea where we're going...look out, we may be sleeping on a street corner near you!

Yesterday, when we ought to have been getting a jump start on cleaning, Kyle and I escaped and went to Blowing Rock. I love it there. We walked up and down the streets, did some window shopping and made two tiny purchases. We had a tasty dinner and enjoyed a little blue grass music on the streets afterwards. good stuff. It's kyle's birthday on Monday--and this month marks one full year that the business has been up and running so it was nice to get away for an afternoon to celebrate!!






"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.
After that I liked jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.
I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened." David Miller, Blue like Jazz

I remember the first time I went to see a broadway play. In was Christmastime in Chicago. The streets were blanketed with snow and Christmas lights winked at us as far as our eyes could see. I was probably about 10 years old and although I understood very little about the play we were about to see, it was mesmerizing in every way.
When it was over, I remember walking out of the theater, bundled up in my coat. A solo saxophone player stood at the street corner with his hat on the ground. He was playing Christmas carrols, seemingly oblivious to the cold. A few people stood in a street corner and listened. As he played, taxi's raced by, people scurried here and there and big, heavy snowflakes danced from the sky.

I remember, even then, that there were other people on the streets that night. Figures in the periphery; faces I could never have identified in a line up because I intentionally stared at the ground. I took quick peeks at them every now and then to satisfy my curiousity, but there was 'us', and then there was 'them'. I was buffered in my warm coat and I had just enjoyed a play I would never forget. While most of us walked purposefully to a destination--in our case, a warm hotel room, these statues in our periphery, stood in one place; hands out-stretched.

"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."

That night in Chicago, I was exposed to an art of music and dance that over time, would weave it's way into my being. I learned that some people cry at broadway plays, and some people listen with their eyes closed; their love of music pulsing through their very souls. That night I watched a man lose himself in the notes he played from his solo performance on a busy street corner.
His song gives melody to the memory of that night.

Have you ever watched someone love with that same kind of abandon? Those who stop to connect with the people who rest in the street shadows, palms outstretched? Not superficial love-the kind that puts quarters into upturned hands while rushing by, but real love. The kind that sees and acts. listens and sacrifices.
There's a difference.
Every now and then I get a glimpse of love like that and it stops me in my tracks.

I, too, used to think God didn't resolve. Actually, I still have my days. But I listened once as a man came into my classroom and told his story about life on the streets. He had wisdom in those eyes that no one used to see. He was accustomed to being the blur in the periphery of passerby's and he felt dead inside. But someone loved him differently. One day someone stopped and listened and took his hand. It changed his story and led to the greatest love story ever.
Redemptive love.

If I could open up the pages of the Bible and lose myself in the chapters, we'd see love like that. Over and over again. Love that makes you want to close your eyes and breathe it in. Love that lives in us and through us.
We're called to love like that.

"Someone pointed out to me
that a pebble and a diamond
are alike to the blind man.

maybe I've been fingering
diamonds all this time,
without ever realizing it.
-steven james, Story

a few things to be grateful for-

1. In a few short weeks Kyle and I are heading north for WI. Once there, we will get to spend time with my family. All of them. This never happens anymore--in fact, we do well to see each other once a year and now that we're all scattered all over the country, we are NEVER all in the same place. But for a few days, it will be a big reunion.

2. My dad's getting married! I can't believe I haven't mentioned this before because this is huge for him and for our new--expanding family. I will be gaining 3 little brothers!! :) After all of the heartache and turmoil that my dad has been through over the past two years it does my heart good to know that he's so happy.

3. My girl Marcia, along with Greg and Ava, will be coming to WI the weekend we are there. It's never the same going 'home' without her so this will be one of the biggest highlights of our trip home.

4. Kyle's having a birthday! The best reason ever to go somewhere and lock ourselves away from the rest of the world for a day or two. We need a mini va-ca.

5. There are things happening at church that have me so excited I can hardly stand it. More on this will come soon--but I just feel really blessed to be in this place at this time.

6. Friends. We've spent time lately with people we admire and love more than words. Some people we continue to get to know on deeper, more vulnerable levels. Other friends, seem to know us better than we know ourselves and they are safe, beautiful ramparts to our souls.

a few things to ponder-

1. let's just say I might have a new job opportunity. I'm not exactly sure what to do with this. Everyone that knows me, knows hospice is my heart. But at the same time, the thought of regular hours, no call, a three day weekend every week is more than a little appealing. but what's my motivation? would the perks be worth it?

2. a stager is coming to our home tomorrow night to walk through it and give us suggestions before it goes on the market. We have been through half a dozen more homes. I'm particularly crazy about one of them but the verdict is still out with husband. :) We will make the big reveal when it's official.

3. family. I feel like I have a block when it comes to this topic...it's just hard to write about...and it's so personal that I don't always feel like I can just put it all out there. It's just this lingering presence. I know all the 'godly' things I'm supposed to think and feel about where we're at and when the time is right for babies but there's dissonance between how I'm truly feeling and how I think I'm supposed to feel. I know, I know. Pray about it, right? i think i'm just tired. With international adoption always tucked away in our hearts, I wonder how long we wait before we get serious about filling all the paperwork out, hiring the social worker, and sending the money in. No real answers, and that's okay; just one day at a time.
I'm working on the whole patience thing. ;)



oh my. where to begin...

a little debriefing inside my head.

We have a patient who is sustained by a ventilator. I wrote about him before. It was understood at the time of admission that when his disease progressed to a place where he could no longer communicate by blinking his eyes, the ventilator would be turned off...his wishes, of course. Never before have we had a patient who is perfectly coherent but ventilator dependent so this is all new territory for me and for our team as I know it. I really, really like this man and it's been a little much to try and process. This week however, it's become real--decisions are being made and this is no longer abstract thoughts we can push away for some distant time. And unfortunately, it's not some lifeless body we're talking about. There's a man in there who is funny and intelligent and strong.

He's tired. He blinks to tell us he wishes to die; not when he can no longer communicate, like he initially had said, but now. What does that mean? That means his team of health care providers are ethically responsible to carry his wishes out.

I haven't really allowed myself to think about this too much because even as I type I feel this gigantic knot in my throat. I can't imagine. It's all so huge and foreign. To stand there and watch his loved ones say goodbye. I can't fathom that kind of grief. It seems the weight of the air in the room would make it impossible to stand or breathe. And what about him? It takes such courage to stay alive-trapped within the most oppressive prison. But wont it take even more courage to die? To tell us for that last and final time that it's okay...that it's time to turn the machine off?

In living rooms and bedrooms all over the tri-cities, people are saying goodbye. But this is not the same. There's nothing about this that is familiar.

To be clear for those of you who are not in the medical field. This is NOT physician assisted suicide. This is a man who would be dead if not for the artificial lungs that mechanically force breath in and out. Just like you and I must decide if we should want life support to sustain us, he made his decision. Initially he chose the ventilator and it has given him more time to be with his family. Now he is competently making a decision as to whether or not the time is right to let his body do what it tried to do a year ago.

I feel like there are so many dimensions to all of this. I could write volumes but this is about all I can stand to think about for today.

So...not the brightest most pleasant blog in the world but it's the most prevalent thing on my heart today. I'll write more soon--
and I promise to keep it light. :)



Here's my beautiful friends Jaclyn, Marcia, and sweet little Ava.
(sorry marcia for stealing it straight from your blog! I just loved it that much!)

Marcia just officially got her new business, brightspot photography up and rolling. So, here's to you, Marcia! We are so proud of you for following your heart. If you want to take a peek at her blog/website (brightspot photography) please do! You'll have to check out the galleries. SOOOO talented! I'm lucky that I know so many uber talented photograhers out there! yeah...you know who you are!

I will try to write more in a few days. I've sort of been at a loss the past couple weeks. Kyle's parents are in town right now so we've been running here and there and everywhere. We constantly have full bellies and the home improvement projects that we always think about doing always amazingly get done when they get into town.

more soon!

(this is for you Becca) ;)
I've been Tagged...


The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (if you don't have a blog, email me)
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read their blog.

8 random things:


8. I have a grandma named Olga
(who just so happens to be the cutest little german lady that has ever lived.)

7. I secretly want to be on Broadway and I practice when I'm home alone.

6. I watched the entire 6 seasons of Sex and the City during the 6 weeks after surgery last year.

5. I dream of adopting at least one child from Africa.

4. I like beer.

3. My favorite movie ever is pride and prejudice. (the new version)

2. If I could have any super power, I would fly.

1. I see dead people. ;)

okay...Marcia, Allison, Jacs, Lara, Morgan (miss you!), Chris, Ken, husband...you've officially been tagged. (Luke, John, & Tony-I'm counting on the fact that you've each already participated!)

Happiest Sunday.

I'm not sure what the weather's been like for all of you who are scattered across the globe but here in our little corner, it's been super hot all week and the humidity envelopes you the second you step outside. I get sticky standing perfectly still. yuck. This is always a little shocking to my senses because you would swear it's frigid outside with how cold Kyle likes to keep the house (a whopping 68 degrees at bedtime). I sleep in pants, socks, a shirt--occasionally my robe, covered with a fluffy blanket and a down comforter while Kyle kicks it in...well, not so much, with the fans blowing overhead.
Ah, married life. :)


Best thing about my day today?
Sitting at a cabin by the lake, talking about everything and nothing. After church we all migrated over to this little oasis on the water. One of our friends from church was baptized and then people hit the lake to tube, swim, or just kick it on the dock. While Kyle-and many others-were flying all over the lake on the jet ski and people were tubing and laughing out on the water, I so completely needed time to just be. Most days I'd be out there too, loving every minute of the waves and the sun and the water. But today, I loved sitting and talking and it was nice to listen to the laughter all around us. Thanks Becca for hanging out-I didn't realize how much I was craving that.

I miss my girls from home so often. I miss those nights at college where I would stay up forever-laughing and talking with my girl allison, even though we'd lived all of our stories together all day long. Today, was a little more of that and it was lovely. ;) Happiest, most peaceful Sunday of the summer so far.

So, here's to another week: More sunshine and evening thunderstorms; more sweltering heat and wearing parkas to bed; here's to that peaceful pause at the end of every day and to the people we're meant to share them with.